When “Playing Small” Is Actually Someone Else’s Projection | Ethical Coaching
A colleague once called me feeling deflated after a free coaching session that felt more like a sales ambush than support.
She shared where she was in her business: a successful practice, strong client impact, new programs forming, and six figures. A clear desire to grow—specifically, to double her income in a way that still fits her life.
The coach’s response?
“If that’s where you’re at and that’s your goal, you’re playing grossly small.”
And I thought: According to whose values?
When Coaching Becomes About the Coach
This kind of interaction is exactly why coaching gets a bad rap.
Not because coaching doesn’t work—but because too much of it has drifted away from being client-led and into something else entirely. Too often, what gets amplified is influence rather than sound training, reach rather than depth. Judgment disguised as motivation. Projection framed as “truth.” Control masked as confidence.
I’ve been coaching for over two decades, and the coaches I trained alongside—those grounded in co-active, presence-focused, or client-centered models—were explicitly taught not to judge, project, pressure, or impose their values onto clients. The work is to listen deeply, stay curious, and support the client’s agenda, goals, dreams, and vision, not override them.
When that boundary gets crossed, the coaching container collapses.
Let’s Talk About “Playing Small”
There is a moment when calling someone out for playing small is appropriate.
That moment comes when a client:
- Has a clear, authentic desire, they are afraid to claim
- Is limiting their own vision
- Is stuck in fear or outdated beliefs that contradict what they truly want
That wasn’t the case here.
What I see as far more limiting is the idea that success now requires seven figures—or that anything less means you’re underachieving.
That’s not growth. That’s comparison culture in a power suit.
Success Is Not a Universal Metric
I measure success by alignment.
Freedom. Well-being. Authentic expression.
Those are core values for me. And exploding income at the expense of nervous system regulation, relationships, and actual enjoyment of life is not success—it’s just burnout with better branding.
Income can create freedom. But freedom for what?
One of my favorite quotes on prosperity comes from Lynne Twist:
“You can’t get to prosperity through the portal of more…only enough.”
Because when money is being used to prove worth, no number is ever enough. Not $100k or $500k. Not even $10 million.
That hunger doesn’t come from desire—it comes from conditioning.
How the Industry Shifted
When I became a Martha Beck–certified coach in 2003, coaching was rooted in values, clarity, and internal alignment. It was about helping people dismantle limiting beliefs so they could live lives that actually fit who they were becoming. It was about supporting others to find their internal “North Star” to guide them.
There were no dominant formulas. No universal “right way” to succeed. Coaching was relational, nuanced, and deeply human.
Somewhere along the way, parts of the industry confused intensity with integrity.
I don’t think this happened maliciously. The online business world accelerated, high-ticket programs proliferated, and certain coaching styles became increasingly performance-driven. But the cost has been real—for both coaches and clients who’ve lost trust in what good coaching actually looks like.
The Quiet Risk of Misaligned Coaching
Hiring a coach to help you build someone else’s vision instead of your own is a subtle form of self-abandonment.
Walking away from a coach you don’t trust or resonate with is not playing small. Staying because you doubt yourself is.
I was never trained—in coaching or ethical sales—to tell someone what they need, shame their current goals, and then position myself as THE solution.
That isn’t ethical coaching or leadership. It’s manipulation.
And it doesn’t work.
I’ve seen it lead to burnout, broken contracts, legal disputes, and deep erosion of self-trust. Even the most sophisticated system fails when the vision doesn’t belong to the client.
How I Work With Goals
When a client brings me a goal, we go underneath it.
Why that goal? What value does it serve? What kind of life is it meant to support? Is it desire—or conditioning disguised as ambition?
If the goal doesn’t resonate at a heart-and-soul level, it won’t sustain. Especially for experienced entrepreneurs who already push themselves too hard.
Some people need more pressure. My clients usually need less force and more clarity.
Before You Hire a Coach, Ask Yourself
- Why am I seeking support right now?
- What do I actually want to change or create?
- What would make this investment truly worth it?
- Do I feel respected, heard, and grounded after talking with this person?
- Does their approach feel like support—or subtle coercion?
The right coaching relationship leaves you more self-trusting, not dependent. Clearer, not smaller. Supported, not overridden.
A Different Kind of Next Chapter
If you’re successful but tired…
Capable but questioning…
Ready for a new chapter that actually fits who you are now…
You don’t need louder goals. You need truer ones.
It’s not about pushing harder. It’s about choosing what’s next—on your terms.
If this resonates and you’re interested in exploring support, book a call here and let’s talk.
